marital consent - resizedA few weeks back, Jess posted on the topic of consent in regards to intimate activities. While this can take on the vein of legalism and is decidedly not very sexy, (“May I have permission to kiss you?”) needless to say, consent is a real thing that all persons engaging in sexual activity need to freely give.
Including married folks.
I’ve been reading a lot of historical fiction, most of it set within the Regency period of England where a woman was looked at as her husband’s property, something to do with as he pleased, and the wife’s role, oftentimes was to just “lie back and think of England.”
It was not until 1993 that marital rape became illegal in all 50 states. Until then, depending on where you lived, a wife could not refuse her husband sex and if she did, he would be fully within his rights to take it anyway, even by force.
Boy, I am glad that we live in more progressive times!
Or do we?
It’s not uncommon for older women to advise younger wives to never to deny their husbands sex within marriage and implying that if you deny your husband his needs, you are basically inviting him to cheat on you because, you know, men can’t control themselves can they? And men need sex. While it is true that the male sex drive can often be stronger than a woman’s, the man and woman are often called to times of sacrifice for the good of the other.
As a wife, I have the right to tell my husband “no” to sex and not feel any guilt associated with it. He can be upset, pout, mope around for days, but he may NOT use me against my will… and neither can your husband or boyfriend. He may not guilt me, coerce me, tell me that “if I really loved him I would,” or just decide to do it anyway while I am asleep. (For the record, that was an actual joke on the FX show “The League.”)
Just because you get married or enter a relationship does not mean that your humanity ceases to be. There are times when sex just isn’t on the menu for either party and that’s just the nature of being human. We are not guided solely by our animal instincts; we also have the use of reason.
Now there are those out there who feel that a wife should never refuse her husband, that she may postpone or offer a raincheck, as long as she makes good on that promise as soon as possible. Or that the very idea of “marital rape” was made up by “man-hating femi-nazis.” But in the end, it comes down to respect, which begs the question: Does your husband/boyfriend love you enough to respect your “no?” Will he love, honor and serve you, in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad? Or are you just a receptacle for his release?
My own faith teaches that sex has to be free, total, faithful and fruitful. Take away any of those and you have taken away this beautiful gift. And for what? A little bit of pleasure in the here and now? It might be worth it to take an examination of your relationship to see why sex is not something you want to engage in. Think of it like the canary in the coal mine, that it is a harbinger of there being an underlying issue within your relationship and that maybe it’s time to talk to someone together.
 
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