img_4818Five years ago, on Black Friday, my husband woke me with news that changed my world forever. My mother, at age 59, died in the night. She suffered a massive heart attack in her sleep, a diagnosis that still fills me with anxiety and dread when Thanksgiving comes around. See, for all intents and purposes, my mom “looked” healthy, but still, she was one of the millions taken by heart disease. I’d like to say that my mom’s was the only death my family experienced over the holiday season, but it wasn’t. For me, the holidays are filled with hope, wonder and love, but grief and sadness also lurk in the background.
Let’s be honest here, no matter when a tragedy occurs it’s difficult, but there is just something about tragedy happening during the holiday season. Over the years, I have found myself using different techniques to deal with the turbulent feelings that come up every year.
Embrace the memories
I still remember the last phone call my mom and I shared. My husband was in the kitchen cleaning the turkey’s carcass, while I was puttering about with the kids in the dining area. It was our first Thanksgiving in California, and since we didn’t really know too many people, we had dinner just as a family of four. Our parents all live back in Wisconsin, so the two hour time difference had her calling right after we finished eating. We had a great chat until it was time to get the kids ready for bed, so we said “Good-bye” and “I love you!” While I may not remember the exact words exchanged, the feelings are still there and I’m able to bring them back. It doesn’t have to be a recent memory, but just embrace the memories you have with your loved one.
But don’t dwell in the past
My husband struggled with her passing a bit more because he, being elbow deep in turkey, said that he would talk to her later…and later would never come. For a while that fact really ate at him, you see, because he was the one who answered the phone to hear of her passing. And the one thing that he would cling to was “If only…” If only he wasn’t cleaning the turkey. If only we’d gone out for dinner. If only he’d taken the phone for just a minute. Dwelling on things you can’t change will just eat away at you. Better to acknowledge the unchangeables and move on.
Let the emotions flow over you
Grief is strange in that it will strike when you least expect it. To this day, I can be happy as a clam when, WHOOSH, a wave of grief will crash over me. In the beginning, I would fight against the wave and try to keep the tears back, but I have found that it’s just better sometimes to have a good cry. Don’t hold your emotions back; we are emotional creatures and made to feel. Showing your emotions is a signal to others that you need help, that you need human contact.
Practice Mindfulness
The idea of deepening your connection with the world around you isn’t new, however, it is fairly new to many Americans. The practice of mindfulness, whether through formal or extemporaneous prayer or guided meditation, focuses one’s awareness on the present moment, while you calmly acknowledge and accept your feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations. Accepting and embracing the grief that you feel is the first step to releasing its control over you.
Tell Stories to Remember
The movie “The Book of Life” is a favorite of our family. The basic premise is that as long as our loved ones are remembered they will live forever in the Land of the Remembered, but as soon as you stop telling stories and laughing about times gone by, they go to the Land of the Forgotten where they are lost forever. My faith teaches me that we will live forever and, if you think about it, in a strange way we will… as long as our loved ones remember us.