The Thief of JoyPresident Theodore Roosevelt once said,”Comparison is the thief of joy.” I have never found this to be more true than in my life as a mother.
My kids recently participated in a week long summer program for kids. The program was all day for first grade and older, but only a half day for pre-k and kindergarten, ending at noon. This meant that my two-year old didn’t really get a proper nap the entire week, as we picked up my oldest at 2:30, smack in the middle of what should have been nap time. Though he is definitely our most laid-back, go-with-the-flow kid, I was still surprised by how well he did missing his nap for an entire week, as he is an amazing sleeper who still takes 2-3 hour naps each day.
So, each day at pick-up, I would bring him and his four-month-old brother in to pick up the older kids. A couple of times the program ran about ten minutes late, so I let Fulton play outside on the sidewalk and in the lawn. There was another mom there with her own two-year-old waiting to pick up her preschooler as well. The first day I saw them, there were huge puddles in the parking lot from rain the night before, and her daughter desperately wanted to play in them. Every time her mom would put her down, her daughter would make a beeline for them. Her mom told her no and attempted to redirect her repeatedly, all without success. Fulton attempted to join in, but after I told him no, he simply watched the scenario. (Please don’t applaud my parenting skills just yet!) Eventually, the mom became exasperated and brought her daughter inside to wait for her sibling. It wasn’t until on the way home that a few points hit me.
I thought of my girls, both of whom are extremely strong-willed and stubborn, and how different the scene with Fulton was compared to how a similar scene with them would have ended. Surely it would have been so much more like the scene of the frustrated mother. I said a little prayer thanking God for giving him such a laid back temperament, which in so many ways has make him “easier” to parent thus far.
I also thought of that mom of two and thought back to when I was a mom of two. Being a mom of two was HARD. I felt constantly overwhelmed, and it was by far the hardest transition for us. Both kids were still young, I didn’t yet have helpers, and my attention was constantly being pulled in multiple directions. I saw this mom a few more times throughout the week at the preschool pick-up, and each time her daughter was giving her a run for her money. Each time Fulton was generally compliant and obedient. But this is our first two-year-old to be this way. The other three have all been limit-testers from the start. It wasn’t until the end of the week when I realized that I should have given her some encouragement, assuring her that his easy-going nature is a new and welcome phenomenon in our family.
But I thought of what kind of assumptions she may have made from watching my obedient two-year-old, as I have often times made the same assumptions watching other moms with compliant and mellow kids while my own ran amok. ‘How on earth does she get that kid to listen?!’ ‘What am I doing wrong?’ ‘She must think I’m a terrible parent who doesn’t discipline my kids.’ In reality, each kid is so different with their own unique temperament. It didn’t even occur to me until after the fact, but I wish I had ran up to her with a completely transparent report of what our reality looks like at home — in general great kids, but kids who try the limits, have hunger and tired induced meltdowns, and usually behave like kids, not robots.
How often are we as moms quick to compare our kids to other kids, our mothering skills to others’ skills, and our life to others’ lives? There are SO many factors that go into being a parent besides the temperament and personality of each kid. There have been so many times when I wished I could wear a sign around my neck:

  • I’m sorry, he has a double ear infection.
  • I’m sorry, we just returned from a vacation where she didn’t sleep all week.
  • I’m sorry, I’ve been sick, and our household is barely surviving.

And on and on.
I’m trying to make it a personal goal to not make assumptions. In particular, to not assume that parents aren’t doing absolutely everything they can to help their child thrive with the tools they have available (because what parent isn’t?), and to not assume that they are judging me, my crew, or my parenting skills.
While I did give the struggling mom a big smile, I wish I had vocally told her she was doing a great job and that I completely understood. How much better would our world be if we as moms encouraged each other and lifted each other up, being transparent about our struggles instead of spewing a highlight reel of our days? Truly, we are all in this together, and when the comparisons stop, joy will abound.
photo credit: Moms and Boys at the Fountain via photopin (license)