Women Deserve to be Emotionally Supported
Fertility, pregnancy and childbirth, though amazing things, can often be filled with a lot of fear and anxiety. Women wonder, ‘Will I get pregnant?’ ‘Will I miscarry?’ ‘Will eating this hurt my baby?’ ‘Will childbirth be too painful?’ When it comes to the medical personnel caring for us, giving us factual information while also helping women feel safe and cared for is an important part of their role. Unfortunately, when it comes to our reproductive health, this is not what women always get.
In June 2005, I woke up, took my temperature and saw that it again had risen. My husband and I practice Natural Family Planning, so I tracked my cycles. I went into the bathroom and took a pregnancy test. It was positive! I was excited, but a bit naieve. I had no idea what to do, so later that morning I called University Health Services. My husband was a grad student at the time, so any “health problems” we had, had to begin there. They told me to come in that afternoon. When I got there, they took a pregnancy test and then separated me and my husband. They told me I was in fact pregnant and then asked if I had ever been sexually or physically abused. I assured them I had not but they continued the conversation without my husband coming in. They counseled me on how to go about terminating the pregnancy. I wanted my husband but was too afraid to ask if he was allowed to come back in the room. I didn’t want to talk about this alone. I was terrified. Is this what happens when you find out you are pregnant? I told them I wanted to keep the baby and the response I received was “There is nothing more we can do for you here. Talk to your insurance company to see how to proceed.” That’s it! No help? They didn’t even recommend a doctor for me. I felt afraid. I had my husband, but we seemingly had to proceed alone, not really knowing what to do.
After finding a doctor and going to a few appointments it was time for our 20 week ultrasound. Unfortunately this did not go as expected and we were told our child had a birth defect that they would not be able to help us with at our small town hospital. We would need to see a specialist. We set up the appointment, drove a couple hours to the new doctor and met with the team who was charged with saving our baby. We then met with the head doctor of the High Risk Fetal Maternal Medicine department. He explained our child’s condition to us and gave us the odds for survival. In his next breath he asked “So, would you like to terminate this pregnancy?” I had just started to feel a little bit less afraid and a little more hopeful until the man who was best suited for saving our baby’s life asked us if we wanted to terminate it.  I became immediately filled with fear again. “Does this doctor not actually believe that he can save my child?” I thought. “His job is to save babies. Why does he want to kill one?” I left the appointment feeling very defeated. I had very little hope and lots of anxiety.
Months later we ended up having a little girl who was born prematurely with a severe birth defect via emergency c-section. I was able to glance at her for 2 seconds before she was whisked away to the NICU. I cannot say enough for how comfortable and hopeful the NICU doctors and nurses made us feel. Our little girl was in great hands. The day after she was born, I was in my hospital room attempting to pump (my daughter could not eat but I wanted to nurse) when a doctor walked in. I had never met her before. She immediately asked me what I wanted to do for birth control. Annoyed because it was already in my chart that I used NFP, I informed her that I would not be using hormonal birth control. She looked at the pump and chastised me “Nursing does not keep your fertility away. That is a myth.” I told her that I was not depending on nursing for birth control and that my husband and I practiced NFP and would continue to use that. She then lectured me about how I had just had major surgery and how if I got pregnant within the next year it would be very dangerous for me. It would put both me and the baby in danger. So although I was already experiencing great challenges and being worried for my new baby, the doctor’s words make my anxiety rise even more. I did not need another pregnancy that was high risk. I was already dealing with enough. I told the doctor to write in my chart that I did not want hormonal birth control and asked her to leave. Inside though, I was really afraid.
Women deserve better than to have doctors who try to push women into making fear-based decisions, and I know that sort of patient care exists. Women deserve a doctor who will meet them for the first time and say “Congratulations!” like the doctor we met when we made our 8 week appointment. Women deserve a doctor who will sit and hold their hands while he breaks the news that if their baby has a severe birth defect, like the one that we had at our 20 week ultrasound, and who then tells you that there are doctors that you can see who will make sure everything goes as smoothly as possible and that he will help you make any appointment you need and answer any questions you have. We deserve doctors that will offer to help us with postpartum NFP like the doctor at my 6 week check up offered to do, and who will look at your charts to make sure you understand what is happening with your body. Women deserve better than fear because pregnancy, childbirth, and motherhood is filled with enough anxiety. We deserve something better from those who we entrust the care of our body and our unborn child. We deserve to be congratulated, and to be given a little bit of assurance, because a little hope can go a long way.