I can name dozens, if not hundreds, of ways in which I have been completely unprepared for motherhood. But if I am honest, one of the things that has shocked me the most and continues to almost scandalize me every three to four months is a little project I like to call Seasonal Clothing Swap Purgatory. Never in my pre-motherhood life could I have ever imagined the hours of my life that would be spent sorting, washing, organizing, and storing clothing. I frequently tell my husband that I would be a better mother if we lived in a temperate climate that didn’t require bins of warm clothing, jackets, and boots. (Can you tell I’m in the midst of this little endeavor as I type this?) You would think that after seven years of this, I would have grown used to it, as I have to my dishwasher and sink constantly being full or my kids’ tummies being perpetually “empty.” And yet, here I am, rambling away. While I could in theory write this entire article on my continued shock, I’ll spare you.
There are so many more important (and frankly, interesting) ways that motherhood has changed me and forced me to grow, often in ways I may never have otherwise experienced. For example, the amount of energy required simply to keep everyone fed, dressed, and relatively clean. Not to mention safe from bodily harm. My husband and I were recently discussing how we are becoming more and more selfless the more kids that we have. Not that we’re enjoying the process…far from it. It is hard work to give up your own desires for the good of someone else, and we can often be found kicking and screaming through the process. But we know that we are becoming better people because of it, even if it’s only through the necessity of survival.
Perhaps the most profound way motherhood is changing me is directly through my children and their mirror-like abilities. Our children’s museum has a quote on the wall that (loosely) reads: “Children can teach you a lot about yourself. How much patience you have, for example.” The farther along we get in our parenting journey, and the more kids that we have, the more this rings true in our house. Even just the day-to-day routine is busy and often chaotic. Add in any extras, whether that be one kid taking piano lessons or another playing soccer, and it can become downright zoo-like.
While it may seem obvious, I am slowly learning (and re-learning, and re-learning) just how much influence my husband and I have over our household,  (as in, if we aren’t having a good day, nobody is having a good day). Our kids feed off of our moods and the way we speak to each other. If we are tired, snippy, and have little patience with each other, our kids will quickly follow suit, not always, but 95% of the time. While they are reflections of us in the day to day little things, I am amazed at how much more they are reflections of us in the big things that matter, things like character traits and virtues. I used to consider myself a relatively patient and compassionate person. There are few things that will test your true self as well as a pack of little ones, and I have quickly found that I am not nearly as patient or compassionate as I had thought.
I was recently reprimanding one of my kids for not being more patient with their sibling, pointing out to the offender that s/he was getting completely bent out of shape over something very slight. And then I immediately thought back to earlier in the day when I threw my own small tantrum over a spilled glass of milk. (The third one of the day, but still.) Children truly learn what they live. If I am whiny, short-tempered, and not willing to take the time to really listen to them, how can I expect them to behave any differently? They will treat their siblings as they are treated by my husband and me, mimicking what they see, instead of what they are told. And this is horribly, horribly humbling.
Realizing that one’s own behavior needs to change to get desired results from children is difficult. It is much easier to expect them to behave simply because we tell them to. And I do believe that they ought to behave simply because it is the right thing to do, but it is also so important to make sure that our own emotions/behaviors are in check. I am often surprised at just how much control I have over the climate in our house. The old adage, “If Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy,” is full of truth. Mamas, let’s remember to take care of ourselves and to do our best to be kind, virtuous people so our children will learn to reflect these traits as well.
photo credit: Andy M Taylor via photopin cc