“(Insert name here), it doesn’t concern you!” This is a phrase I find myself uttering often throughout my 13-14 hour days with the hooligans. I have one with a particularly busybody temperament who is the recipient of this phrase more than the others. While the others are somewhat oblivious to their surroundings, this child always needs to know exactly what is going on, with whom, and how said child will be affected. Over the last few weeks, I have heard and read multiple stories from friends, acquaintances, and complete strangers, and it occurred to me that this is a phrase most women will find themselves needing at least a few times in their life.
The stories are all different, of course, but all have a common thread- family planning. Woman #1 is a wonderfully practicing Catholic who has been unable to conceive a child thus far. She was cornered by an acquaintance and informed that she, the acquaintance, was praying for her to “give up the pill and be open to life.” Of course, a child is the one thing Woman #1 wants almost more than anything and was completely crushed.
Woman #2 has had two very high-risk pregnancies, both involving bed rest. She and her husband would love to have more kids, but through prayer have discerned that now is not the right time. In this woman’s NFP-using-baby-loving circles, well-meaning people have asked her more than once “when they’re going to have a third.”
Woman #3 has a boy and a girl and would also love more children but has struggled with secondary infertility. However, even in her very pro-life circles, among people who know she uses NFP, people assume that they are “done” because they got their salt and pepper shaker set of children that most Americans desire and “try for.”
Woman #4 is pregnant with child #x. Upon hearing their joyous news, an extended family member remarked that the extended family “doesn’t need any more kids.” As if there could ever be too many beautiful kids! You can only imagine the comments she gets from complete strangers. This is a family that supports themselves, helps others, and gives generously. Their kids are well cared for, happy, adjusted, and could not be more thrilled to be expecting a new brother or sister.
While they are all in different situations, none of these women owe anyone an explanation for how they planned (or didn’t “plan”) their children and family. I’ve written before about my amazement that, in our incredibly politically-correct-must-walk-on-eggshells-so-as-not-to-offend-a-single-soul culture, all things baby and family planning are completely fair game for everyone and their mother to inquire about, even when you have no idea who the person is. I am flabbergasted when total strangers will tell me what they believe is best for my family. One of my favorite quotes is, “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle.” We have no idea what situation the woman next to us is in, and therefore, we really have no right whatsoever to demand when she will have another baby, if she’s done, if she knows what causes that, etc. etc. etc. It is rude and selfish to think otherwise. Pregnant women have an enormous task and honor- growing a person who may very well change the world we live in. They deserve nothing short of support and respect, as truly, it doesn’t concern us.
photo credit: <a href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/x1brett/7131334179/”>Brett Jordan</a> via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin</a> <a href=”http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/”>cc</a>
"It doesn't concern you!"
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About the Author: Amanda Wagner
Thank you for this beautifully well written piece.
I’ve been thinking about this all week and I’m wondering if there are any circumstances under which family planning can be discussed. As a mother of 5, I certainly understand the rude comments from strangers and even family members who don’t have a “vote” in the whole decision making process, but what about a mother who is concerned about her adult daughter who has had a series of very high risk pregnancies? Can she express her concerns? What about offering a compliment to parents of 2 like “You guys are great parents! You would be so wonderful with a big family.” What about mentioning the possibility of future babies to a Catholic couple who has been married several years? (“Someday, if you get to be parents …”)
To take this whole topic (which can be so central to who we are as Catholic married people) off the conversation table seems wrong, but I’m sincerely asking for your opinion on guidelines that may achieve a balance.
Sue- Thank you so much for your thoughtful and insightful comment. I loved it. I mentioned to my husband that I was hesitant to be so “bold” in the article, as I completely understand what you are saying and had thought of that point as well. I didn’t want to come across as making it seem as though we as Catholics ought not to never discuss this topic with other couples, as I think a lot of times other people have excellent insight, whether it be from walking a similar road before you, or whatever. I know my parents personally “worry” each time we have a baby, as I struggle with PPD and frankly, our kids are just a handful. 🙂 I also know that their comments/concerns are coming completely out of love, which I think is where the difference lies. I think prudence is always the key. If it’s a total stranger, obviously it doesn’t generally concern us. BUT, in the example with my parents, I also feel like I have learned a lot out of watching their concern, and it’s helped me to realize that the temperaments we’re producing (not to mention those of my husband and I) may not be conducive to a 12-kid family. At least not if I want to stay sane. 🙂 I definitely agree that it shouldn’t be taken completely off of the conversation table. I was a little pressed to finish the article, or I would have loved to address that whole side as well. In reality, I only represented the busy-body side of things, but I do agree there is a balance, especially amongst family members acting out of genuine concern versus shock/ignorance/etc. Hopefully that makes sense. I’d love to dialogue more some time!