Me and my mom


I have a confession: I am stubborn. It feels good to write it. I am stubborn. The fact that I am stubborn is what made me believe that I truly did not have it in me to stay at home full time if (or when) I had children. I spent most of my formative years imagining myself single and making a difference somewhere. What I would be doing changed frequently: teaching, art therapy, possibly the religious life, but the bottom line is that having children and staying at home with them blew my mind. I thought I wanted something different, and I was unaware of the difference I could make in my own home.
I believe I get my stubborn streak from my mom: she fought for my life. Mom was in high school when she found out she was pregnant. She endured terrible pressure while pregnant: at school she was called names, threatened, and pushed towards abortion by her parents. She married my dad and kept her child. Having a child and getting married at 18 was no easy feat. She sacrificed a great deal for her children. She stayed at home with us during the day, and worked at nights when she had to while my dad worked days. She gave up college or art school, and postponed a career to raise her children.
As far back as I can remember I have known how I came to be and the reality of what her choices meant for her. I knew it was up to me to determine what I wanted for my own life. I made my decisions accordingly, and my stubbornness paid off. I enjoyed school and working. I took pride in being intelligent and good in school and at work. I was happy to show my parents that their hard work and sacrifices paved the road for my opportunities. When it came time for me to start thinking about a family though, I had a single, quiet question running on loop in my mind: “Am I capable of the sacrificial love that my mom so effortlessly showed for her children?”
When we were married nearly five years, my husband and I were blessed with our first child. I had literally just finished graduate school the Friday before I was induced. I took a month off from work to recover and get to know my son, and then I was fortunate enough to be able to take him to work with me until he was six months old. While it was challenging to say the least, it was truly wonderful that my employer embraced motherhood in this way. My son was welcome at most meetings, we found a quiet place where I could pump or nurse him, and I was treated as the same, competent employee I always had been. It was an incredibly difficult decision to make when I had to choose between daycare and staying at home. I did not know if I had the patience to stay at home, but I knew that I did not have the heart to leave him with someone else at that time. I resigned my position, but could not completely let go. I filled a more temporary position for a period of time that allowed me to still have him with me. I began writing for the local newspaper’s quarterly women’s magazine. I volunteered at a food pantry. I thought if I could stay busy with him, that maybe I wouldn’t have to figure out if I was good at being a stay at home mom because we would never be home! Eventually I cut the list back to a part time evening teaching position that allowed me to spend days with him.
After 18 months of stubbornly resisting, a move and another child, I have now been at home full time for 18 months. It took me a long time to realize that my job at home is just as important as any work I am capable of outside the home. Just as my mother sacrificed for her children, I sacrifice for my own. But why? Why do mother and fathers, working or at home, seem to welcome this sacrificial love?
I believe it is because we want what is best for our children. We seek to improve their lives, even if it means giving up something we want for ourselves. I want my children to experience a world where women are free from abortion. A world where the life of a child is celebrated and women are not asked to choose between their children and their career, and where they have the freedom to choose one or the other or both. I want them to live in a world where parents that are at home full time and parents that work are viewed as just parents who work equally hard to raise their children. Most of all, I want them to contribute in creating and maintaining that reality: A world that supports women and men and their unique gifts.
Some of the things my mom experienced were brutally unnecessary and just plain awful, but she went through them anyway for the well-being of her child. She lacked the support she deserved in most cases, but made it clear that nothing she went through compared to the level of joy she felt knowing that I was here. I am thankful for organizations such as The Guiding Star Project that seek to support women, and particularly women like my mom. Later this month, my mom celebrates her birthday. I celebrate her birth as much as she celebrates mine! Happy birthday, Mom! Thank you for the gifts of life, humor and stubbornness.