Urban dictionary defines mommy wars as, Vicious, mean, provocative and disrespectful arguments on the internet between women, usually mothers who disagree on parenting styles or other controversial topics such as vaccines, clinical male infant circumcision, breastfeeding, abortion, choice of career, etc…
When I first became a parent I had no idea that people were so competitive when it came to parenting. In my mind, a bad parent was someone that locked their kids in a basement while they had drinking parties or verbally abused their kids if they didn’t make good grades. I never thought decisions like homeschooling, or hospital births, or even circumcision would weigh in on if you were fit to be a parent. I don’t know if I was oblivious to this culture because I am a man or if I just wasn’t paying attention, but I had no idea that people actually took the time to criticize other parents over such things. In fact it was five years after our first child that I began to see this kind of behavior amongst other moms and dads. When I became a stay home dad, I started meeting some great parents. Parents of all kinds that I could bounce parenting ideas and questions off of. Some of them homeschooled, some of them breast fed, some of them made made all their kids’ clothes. None of us did things the same, but that’s what made our parenting community so great. The variety!! The support!! But, every once in a while, I would meet a snarky know-it-all parent that couldn’t wait to tell someone they were doing it wrong.

The First Time Is A Shocker.

It was late April, 2012. My wife, Abby was pregnant with our second child. She was 6 months along and we knew we were having a boy. We were at a 40 Days For Life picnic and the weather was fantastic. (If you don’t know about 40 Days for Life, here is the link.) A lot of our close friends were at the picnic and some people we didn’t know as well. Being that this was a pro-life event, there were plenty of expectant mothers and children running wild. My wife did a little bit of speaking at the picnic, so a lot of people were coming up to ask her abortion-related questions and/or congratulate us on the pregnancy.
At some point during the day, a group of us were talking about all the different birthing options. There was a woman there with her family of 5 and she had politely interjected herself into the conversation. Her politeness, however, only lasted so long.
She asked my wife about our birthing plan. Are we doing it at home? Who is our midwife? That sort of thing. The answer was none of the above. My wife told her that we have a doctor that we really like and trust, but he is two hours away. So we will be driving down there for the birth at the hospital he has privileges at. Her response…
“Oh no. That’s terrible. It’s so much better for you and your baby to do this at home or at a birthing center that doesn’t use all those horrible machines and drugs. You want to really experience the birth, don’t you?”
Our jaws hit the floor, our eyes widened, and we were rendered speechless at the gaul this woman had to talk to complete strangers like this.
My wife collected her thoughts faster than me and began to respond, as politely as she could, with a “Who the hell do you think you are?” look on her face, Abby explained that there were some complications with the birth or our first child that had us a little worried. We are doing what we feel is best in a hospital that we like and with a doctor that we trust. We had considered other options and are not opposed to them in the future, but for this child, we have a plan. Thanks but no thanks for your concern.
And would you believe?…
She kept going with her disapproval!! We eventually had tell her to back off and allow us to excuse ourselves from the conversation.

From Here On Out

After that experience, I became a bit defensive when people would question us on parenting decisions. I wasn’t going to allow another person to make me or my wife feel bad about how we raise or children. As it turned out, being defensive and arguing is not the was to do that. Abby and I got to a point where we realized we were not going to waste thoughts or energy on unproductive arguments that make us feel bad. Nor did we ever want to make other parents feel bad.
So, from that point on, we just decided to not even respond to these types of people. If we want advice, we ask people we trust. If others want advice, we give it. If people ask us if we are circumcising our boys, we tell them that’s a really weird question. Parenting is so much fun and brings so much joy to our lives. We are not looking to ruin that with any kind of negativity. People do things differently, and that should be encouraged. Diversity in parenting should not ridiculed, judged, or frowned upon.
To end this. I am just going to share one of my favorite videos mocking the mommy wars. Let’s encourage each other. Be nice. Our children will benefit from it.
https://youtu.be/Me9yrREXOj4