From the time my wife and I started dating, she was always on some sort of contraception. She bounced around from method to method, changing it every so often. She used everything from the ring to the shot, and condoms to an IUD. Even after we were married, there was always some sort of “prevention” in place. It wasn’t until after Abby had left Planned Parenthood and we were confronted with new information about contraception that we started to look a little deeper into our own reproductive responsibilities. We both had different paths to our life without birth control. But we ended up in the same place, and I will never forget the moment that Abby said, “I had my IUD taken out today.” Click HERE to get info about IUDs and other forms of contraception
For eight years my wife was involved in the birth-control/abortion industry working at Planned Parenthood. She wasn’t just selling it, she was also a client. When it came to birth-control, as far as I was concerned, it was mostly up to her. Planned Parenthood and the other pill pushers love to shout at you, “It’s a woman’s choice!” That was the dogma the we had subscribed to at the time. I thought I was being supportive by letting her make the decisions for her, and ultimately our family. Sure I was bummed about not having more kids, but at that point, it seemed like her career was more important. We had one kiddo and that seemed to be enough.
When Abby finally left Planned Parenthood in 2009, she and I both had no issues whatsoever with any form of contraception. It was going to take a little time for all our arguments in support of contraception to be broken down. In her exit form Planned Parenthood, we had both gone from supporting abortion to being full blown pro-lifers, so I guess anything was possible.
It All Starts With Our New-found Faith
People of varying belief systems come to Natural Family Planning in different ways. For many, they use it because it’s healthy and it respects women’s natural functioning. For Abby and me, we were exposed to NFP at church, and our reasons for using it include religious reasons in addition to all the health reasons.
Considering almost every new friend we made after Abby’s conversion was Catholic, it didn’t take long for us to become regulars at Sunday Mass. And that’s exactly where we needed us to be. Who knew we could learn about contraception and a little reproductive biology by attending church? After a couple months of regularly attending Mass, we decided to start RCIA (Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults). We wanted to at least learn about the Catholic Church and see if joining was right for us.
In our first class, we were given a new Bible, a copy of The Catechism, and a copy of Theology of The Body For Beginners by Christopher West.
This book is where it all started for me. I usually don’t just pick up books and start reading right away. But for some reason I did this time. I won’t go into every detail about the book. It covers way too much material. However, by the time I was done reading, I knew I wanted to become Catholic and I was 100% in line with Catholic teaching about contraception. Everything the Church taught just made complete sense to me. It wasn’t just the religious aspects that got my attention. I was more impressed by looking at the natural design of our bodies and what they are meant for. We are made to reproduce. That requires a man and a woman together in the act of sexual intercourse. Granted sex is supposed to feel good and all that good stuff, but if you remove the purpose of sex and make it all about the orgasm, then it becomes a pretty selfish act instead of a loving one that could result in new life. In order for our bodies and for sex to fulfill their natural purpose then sex has to have both the orgasm and an openness to reproduction. I’ll let Christopher West say it better:
“When we divorce sex from its natural orientation toward new life, what is left to prevent the justification of any and every means to sexual climax? When we sterilize sex we fundamentally disorient the act. It no longer points of necessity to marriage and raising of a family. Indulging Libido for its own sake becomes the name of the game and we eventually treat natural, vaginal intercourse as only one of a-million-and-one ways of indulging libido. When we pry sex loose from it’s most natural consequence, we inevitably lose our moral compass.”
So there I was with a whole new outlook on sex, marriage, Church, and life in general. I was so excited to dig into Catholic teaching and learn more, but my next challenge would be getting Abby to jump on board the no contraception train with me. That was priority number 1…
As it turns out, that was no challenge at all. The first Sunday after I was finished reading the book, we were at Mass. I thought everything was pretty normal about the service except that Abby was undergoing a huge change of heart and philosophy all while the service was going on. It was like a lightning bolt. Blink and you might miss it. I didn’t know it at the time, but Abby spent the entire Mass looking around at all the families and all the children sitting around her.She knew right then she wanted to grow our family, and all she could think was, “I have to get this IUD out of me!”
That afternoon, when we got home from Mass, Abby told me she wanted the IUD out.
My first response was, “Really? Are you sure?”
Abby: “Very sure. I want it out tomorrow, as soon as possible.”
Awesome! I wasn’t going to have to convince her to do away with birth control. She got there all on her own. It’s almost funny how we had completely different roads to the exact same destination. We were both on the same page and we didn’t even know it.
The next day, Abby called her doctor and told her she wanted to get her IUD out. Here’s how that conversation went:
Abby: Hi. I need to have my IUD removed today.
Receptionist: Are you having any problems?
Abby: No. I just need it out immediately.
Receptionist: Okay, we can see you in three weeks.
Abby: No good. I need to talk to a nurse.
…
Nurse: Hi. You want to get your IUD out?
Abby: Yes. I’m not having any problems, but I need to get it out today.
Nurse: Well, we don’t have any appointments today. We could get you in a couple weeks.
Abby: Listen, I know how to remove this thing. Either the doctor takes it out today or I take out. It’s coming out today.
Nurse: Can you come in at 1:00 pm today?
Abby: I’ll see you then.
Once Abby got the IUD out, every conversation we had about growing our family was exciting and a huge shot in the arm for our marriage. Just the idea of more kids brought us closer. Sex became more meaningful. Food tasted better. Our faith became deeper. There weren’t any fireworks and there wasn’t a party in honor of our new decision to drop contraception, but I can say it sent our marriage in a whole new direction that has been one awesome ride.
What Happened From There…
It wasn’t super easy after we decided to have more children. Once Abby had her IUD out, we went through over a year of infertility. That’s shorter than a lot of people we have known that used hormonal or any other kind of contraception. We assumed we might not be having any more kids. That was a tough pill to swallow. But, after a lot of work between Abby and her doctor, we were able to conceive our second baby…the first of 3 beautiful boys. Alex, Luke, and Carter came to us one after the other, three years in a row. These boys are proof to us that being on God’s plan and being open to life is the best life to live. Now we use NFP (Natural Family Planning), and it works great for us.
If we had not gone through that year of infertility, I don’t know if we would have looked into NFP. I don’t know if we would have learned as much about fertility and the natural order of sex. During that time, we also learned a lot more about some of the other negative side effects of using hormonal birth control.
As for now, in our marriage, we don’t use any chemicals or latex. It’s not just Abby’s fertility anymore either. There is no more, take a pill and our sexual relationship just ends up on auto pilot. We have good ole natural, possibly making-a-baby SEX. We both understand that her fertility is ours and we work on it together. The good news is that NFP has brought us closer as a married couple. Nothing will ever come between my wife and I in our bed ever again. Well, maybe our 2 year old, 1 year old, and 6 month old boys. But nothing else!!
If you want more information about NFP options, you can visit www.iusenfp.com. You won’t be sorry.
Hi,
I have one issue with NFP methods and that is that it is used as an alternative to chemical contraception. It’s the contraceptive mentality that drives NFP to be 99% successful at avoiding pregnancy. If it is our desire to avoid pregnancy then using NFP is no different than using any other form of contraception. We must learn to trust in God.
And remember the Pill is 100% effective when held firmly between the knees 😉
Disagree. Using NFP to avoid having “too many children” is NOT the same as using artificial birth control.
I once heard it described like this: if I want my inheritance money, what’s the difference between killing grandma and letting her die on her own?
Just because the end result (dead grandma or no baby) is the same, does NOT mean the methods are equal.
I am not saying people who use NFP should be using it to replace a birth control mentality, but EVEN IF they do, it is PREFERABLE to artificial birth control. A step in the right direction, is a step in the right direction.
UGH. By its very nature, NFP is not “an alternative to chemical contraception.” Chemical contraception allows you to participate in the marital act, but thwart it through contraception. NFP teaches you to abstain from the marital act if you have serious reasons to avoid a pregnancy. The abstaining is a testament to the nature and power of the act. If something were to be “miscalculated,” most NFP users are open to life and would recognize that God is ultimately in charge of our fertility. You cannot ever know what another person’s “serious reasons” may be for avoiding pregnancy. Just because something is 99% effective doesn’t mean it’s used in a contraceptive mentality. Perhaps someone NEEDS something to be very effective. Of course, abstinence is the only 100% effective method. I find it unfortunate that Catholics think they have the right to judge others’ motives who use NFP. I am the only Catholic/NFP user in my family and in my friend group. My evangelical family is pro-life but also has no problem with contraception. My non-Christian and non-Catholic friends are pro-choice, BC pill users who think that NFP is the same as the rhythm method. Then, I get to deal with judgmental Catholics who think they can tell by looking whether one does or does not have a “contraceptive mentality.” It is exhausting. We are already swimming upstream in this culture, we don’t need our supposed allies to turn on us as well. NFP is a gift. We can use the knowledge we now have about our bodies to act in a way we discern is best. Regardless of whether one is trying to conceive or trying to avoid – love always comes with a cross. That cross may be abstinence (through NFP, through chastity, through avoiding mortal sin), that cross may be pregnancy or the difficulties of parenting.
Awesome post! My husband and I learned NFP as an engaged couple and taught the Sympto-Thermal method for 10 years through CCL when we were married in 1997. My husband was not Catholic when we got married and though we disagreed on some theology, we did agree on the Church’s teaching with family planning. What a blessing it is to understand and embrace that our fertility is truly a gift to be understood and not a disease to be eliminated! My husband did enter the Church in 2006 and I am so grateful that our Catholic faith teaches the truth and beauty of family planning. God bless you and your beautiful family!
When you separate sex from making new life…does this mean you immediately stop having sex as soon as the pregnancy is confirmed? If not, there’s a strong smell of hypocrisy in the air, because then you’re just doing it for plain old selfish pleasure…
It is not hypocritical to continue to enjoy sexual intimacy during pregnancy because just as sex is not to be just for pleasure, it just also be open to new life. The reverse is true. If we said you must not have sex during pregnancy because you cannot conceive new life again during that time, then we would be saying that sex is just for making babies alone and if one is already made then one must abstain. But sex is also for pleasure. Having sex during pregnancy does not put anything between the man and woman, the body naturally will not conceive again because it already has.
This article is a lovely testament to a beautiful sexual relationship. I can attest to the fact that a married couple’s intimate life can be profoundly impacted by the element of pregnancy and childbearing. I can’t share the entirety of my story (which was extraordinarily devastating), but I’ll share that my first husband left me after bed resting pregnancies that ended in miscarriage and the subsequent reproductive injury and infection that followed. I am also DES-exposed. We tried for a year to get pregnant again, but due to plunging progesterone levels, I was given supplements (which made me feel pregnant). After a few so-called “chemical pregnancies”–very brief pregnancies that end in miscarriage, and tests and treatment from doctors, my former husband left me for a colleague of his, with whom he had been traveling extensively. I wound up with profoundly serious, severe major depression. My husband said he became tired of the infertility cloud over us and the sadness and fear about losing another baby. (terrified.) I was alone for eight years (I did investigate adoption, but could not manage this on many levels.) I met a man at church, and we married. We miscarried, as well. We tried several adoption avenues that did not work. Then we were looking at Guatemala, which seemed very hopeful. It was shut down for black market babies. I was so devastated! I could not imagine what it must have been like for families having their children stolen, or what it must be like to find out your adopted child might have been stolen. I went to my doctor and he told me he did not want to treat me after having a patient lose her baby at six months. He said he had grave concerns about my ability to carry a pregnancy, and I should consider using a surrogate. A shocking thing beyond what any woman would ever imagine becoming a mother would require. I had met a surrogate for an infertile couple a few years previously. She was incredibly lovely and full of grace. To cut a very long story short, that is how, nearly 20 years after my first pregnancy loss, and after living with the intense daily grief of having achingly empty arms, I became a mother.
Again, this article is a lovely testament to ideals; it’s just excruciatingly out of reach for some of us.