How Do We Support Those Who Make Bad Decisions?

This week, we have a guest post from Meagan Weber, a powerful woman with an amazing story.

Is it possible to support someone you love, without compromise? Even when they make a decision you cannot morally condone?
Recently I read a wonderful and informative article by Lisa Atkins, Northwest Reigonal Coordinator for Students for Life of America, http://highschool.studentsforlife.org/when-your-best-friend-has-an-abortion-2/ , in regards to finding out her best friend was post abortive. In the article she mentioned that her friend had obtained her abortion just a month before they met and that it took nearly two years for her to discover this heart breaking news. I could relate to so much of what she shared but from a drastically different angle and I wanted to take the time to share my own experience with you.
In the fall of 2007 I discovered that I was pregnant. Shortly after, one of my best friends also discovered that she was pregnant. Her and I shared a lot in common, we had both had two children by two different fathers out of wedlock and we had both since given our lives to Christ. I had turned her on to a pro-life website where the two of us frequently engaged young moms facing unplanned pregnancy with our testimonies in hopes to encourage them to chose life. My friend had even started making YouTube videos with strong and passionate pro-life messages. The only major difference between us was that I was now married and she was not.
When she told me she was pregnant she was mortified and filled with shame, she knew better than to engage in the same lifestyle that we had both been delievered from yet here she was, stumbled, pregnant and in crisis. To my utter disbelief, she told me that she was going to have an abortion. It threw me for quite the loop and I felt like my own world was spinning. How could my best friend and fellow pro-life ministry partner consider ending her own child’s life? I wasn’t upset with her for stumbling and ending up pregnant, and I never inflicted an ounce of guilt or judgment upon her for that, but I just couldn’t understand how she would go from preaching a pro-life message one day to considering abortion for herself the next. I reminded her that she had done this before and that she could do this again. I reassured her that although we were states away from each other, that I would be there for her through email and phone calls. I reminded her of the help and assistance available through Pregnancy Resource Centers and offered to do the leg work by phone to help her find the needed resources to pull through this temporary crisis while pleading with her to not make a permanent and irreversible decision to abort. I even looked up and found churches in her area that offered support groups and assistance and women willing to meet with her in person to help her through this time, yet nothing I could do from so far away was enough to effectively reach her.
One day she called to tell me that she found the solution to her circumstances. She told me that she was going to take a pill that would cause her to lose her baby, it wasn’t REALLY an abortion, it would be as though she had a miscarriage. Instantly I knew that she was referring to Mifeprex, better known as RU-486. She was in complete denial and no matter what info I shared with her, she was determined to take that pill and end her pregnancy. I found some of her YouTube videos and blogs that she had posted and shared them back with her, reminding her of the truth she held in her heart and to remind her of how strong and capable she was. It did no good. Abby Johnson, my friend and Pro-Life Advocate, says it well when she states that sometimes Christian women are pro-life except in cases of me, myself and I. That was certainly turning out to be the case with my friend.
Deep down I knew that my hands were tied, that this was her decision and that I needed to love my friend unconditionally but without moral compromise. To this day it was one of the hardest interpersonal relationship struggles I have ever faced. I never waivered, not one time, I held my ground and my pro-life position. I reminded her that she would adjust, that things would work out, continually providing her with contact info for various resources in her town, reminding her that she alone would bear the consequences of her decision, whether she chose life or death for her child.
She called me one day and told me that her appointment to take the pill was that afternoon, she asked if I wanted her to call me after her appointment, I told her that if she chose not to take the pill to call me right away, but that if she did, I would take the silence as confirmation of her decision and would need a little space to process. We were both pregnant, due just days apart and this was the second time that someone so near and dear to my heart was pregnant at the same time as me, due days apart and was choosing to end the life of their child, it was just too much to bear on my heart strings. I told her that I would be there for her no matter what and that I would never hold her decision against her or over her head but that I was going to grieve over her child if she chose to end her pregnancy, and I begged her forgiveness for not knowing how to better help her. I told her that I hoped she could understand my needing a little space if she chose to take the pill and that it was not a reflection of my love for her, but a reflection of knowing from past experience that I would forever hold her child, painfully in my memory as my own child’s birthday would roll around each year.
She continued to let me pray with her and offer counsel, I asked her questions and helped her to see the contradictory statements she made, I did all that I could to separate her into her own little bubble to consider what SHE wanted, not what she felt her circumstances demanded but to no avail, she called to tell me she was at the clinic and about to take the pill. I asked her one more time to please reconsider but she had to go as the doctor was entering the room.
I prayed fervently over the next hour and when my phone rang my heart leaped with delight. Upon answering the phone I expected her to say that she had walked out without taking the pill, as I requested to have some space if she decided to follow through. On the other end of the phone I was met with her cold and empty voice telling me that she had taken the pill but that she already regretted it. She could not believe that she took it and she was asking me if there was anything she could do to stop the abortion. For a moment I was so angry, I had asked her not to call if she decided to take it and here she was calling me. My heart was broken and torn and I felt like the worst failure of a friend. What hadn’t I shared, what had I missed in my efforts to help her? None the less, I had vowed to NEVER say “I told you so”, and I was going to stick to that decision, I knew it wouldn’t help her. How I wish that the Abortion Pill Reversal treatment , http://www.abortionpillreversal.com , had been available at that time, but it wasnt yet to my knowledge. I told her to go to the emergency room and ask them what she needed to do, all she was told was that she had to finish what she started or risk serious infection, I wasn’t aware of any other info at the time that would have been helpful or life saving.
My phone rang off the hook at all hours over the next few days, she was in severe pain and unsure if it what she was experiencing was normal for a medical abortion. I did my best to give her truthful information and reminded her that if and when she felt she needed to be seen by a professional, to not ignore her gut, it could be life or death for her. Then I got the phone call, she passed her baby. She was so broken and she described the little yellow liquid filled pouch containing her tiny baby. She shared that she brought the baby out to the father and asked if he wanted to see, he told her no, just to flush it. She was in panicked shock as she kept repeating that she flushed her baby, she discarded this little life as refuse and the suicidal mindset began to creep in.
It didn’t take her long to accept my help in connecting her with a post abortive healing group and she agreed to confide in a friend at her church and found acceptance and comfort there but she and I have never really had the same connection since. I tried really hard to hold onto the friendship, one of the longest standing friendships I have ever had, and to check in with her and support her the best that I could but she shut me out. Over time she began to let me back in and eventually shared with me something that I would have never expected to hear. She opened up to me and told me that she had been struggling with her relationship with her relatives who helped her obtain her abortion. After healing and processing the situation she found that she was resentful over their roles, the money, the car ride, them babysitting her other children. How could they help her do something that brought so much destruction upon her heart and soul? She then thanked me for standing in complete opposition to her decision, she told me that I was the only safe person in her life. I had been there for her but I never supported or compromised on the one thing that brought her so much pain, she was safe to share her pain with me because my reaction of comfort was not hypocritical. She was able to receive my comfort, prayers and advice because she knew that I also hated the terrible thing that she had done, that I loved her enough to plead with her up until the moment it was too late, yet never condemned her for it.
So, how do you support someone you love, without compromise, even when they make a decision you cannot morally condone? Only through grace and mercy, by looking past your own agenda and motives, by dying to yourself and looking ahead to their best interest. No post abortive woman will ever benefit from heaping guilt, condemnation and “I told you so’s” upon her head. Abortion vulnerable women don’t need another person attempting to force them into or out of a decision, they need the facts, practical resources, truth and love, but they also need to know that they alone will live with the results of their decision. Compromising and agreeing that just maybe this one time “do over” is okay for them, or giving them a ride to the clinic to be “supportive”, may only cause her to resent you later. Taking a firm stand for LIFE, conception to natural death, no exceptions, is the only way to go. They may follow through with the abortion and they may even shut you out for a time, just keep loving them and eventually they will come around and see that you had their best interest at heart. It won’t bring their baby back or reverse the painful regret that they now carry in their hearts, but it WILL make you a safe person to them and this world and this movement needs more safe people.
Each year as both of my daughter’s birthdays roll around, I think of two sweet babies that were robbed of their own birthdays but I also think of two women, that I love dearly, who robbed themselves of the joy of being their mommies. The love I have for all four of them drives me to fight for LIFE and gives me the boldness to speak up and reach out, even if it means that my heart is bruised along the way. Romans 15:1 We then who are strong ought to bear with the scruples of the weak and not to please ourselves.